my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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