I am puke
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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