It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
