I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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