I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
