I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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