Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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