worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
