Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
