i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
