Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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