I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
