Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
