I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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