I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
