Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
