When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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