even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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