i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The dick lei will go down in squad history
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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