the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
