saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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