I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
