I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
