I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
