You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
