Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
