I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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