Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
