Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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