I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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