I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I didn't notice because vodka
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
