She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
