Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
