Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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