So drunk its hurt
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
