I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
