Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
