one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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