Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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