i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Randomize
