Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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