I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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