when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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