Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
