Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
