I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just found a bag of teeth...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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