Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
