i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
