i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
