so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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