dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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