How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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