So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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